ok so I had an accident over the weekend.  since a handful of my last blogs have a bit of a heavy vibe to them I figured I’d man-up and share this one because well…  it may make 1 or 2 of you laugh.  it may also offend some but since i don’t believe in offending or getting offended - i’m just gonna roll the dice..  not to mention i just read a killer review of WWIII from a mag we’ve loved, respected and wanted to hear from forever so i’m in a wonderful mood..  might as well destroy myself, right? lol

Operation “CandyGramForMongo”

(some names have been changed or removed to protect the identities of those involved)

it all started when a few of us were working on a project over by my sisters house…  i mean my neighbor’s house?   anywho..we dubbed the project “CandygramForMongo”.  Unfortunately it’s classified, so I can’t get into specific details but i will say that a key ingredient required in said project was…   hmm .. it’s hard to just say it..  but uhh ..  well it was human fesces.  don’t love me, judge me.

Being the inspired go-getta I aim to be, I graciously volunteered my own for the job.  Only problem was I didn’t have to go.  So my sister, i mean my neighbor,  took action and whipped up a concoction of epsum salt and hot water that ultimately proved too big for my size..  being none-the-wiser, I took down the whole cup in seconds.. and this just a mere moments before she recommended I sip sporadically so as not to “overwhelm the bowels”.   thanks for the advice twisted sister.. i mean neighbor.

We all stepped outside to hang out on the patio as we waited for the concoction to take affect. It was a beautiful night and the lunar cycle had just let go of it’s month long full moon.  A perfect temperature of 77 degrees and some good conversation essentially dissolved  “CandygramForMongo” from the forefront of our minds.  Quite frankly, I forgot all about it until I felt a sudden twist in my stomach that can only be compared to a grouchy, 30 foot Boa Constrictor squeezing and slithering it’s way through my intestines.  At the time we were discussing the trials and tribulations of relationships and it had started to get a little tense.  Seeing as tension tends to make me feel uncomfortable and squirmy,  often when presented this scenario I’ll do something outlandish to change the topic (for example: there was that time at our friend Schabeaschels lakehouse when Madina was fighting like crazy so I decided to stand up fully clothed in broad daylight and piss myself.  That one kind of backfired cuz Schaebezel got mad that the piss ran down my jeans and onto his parents deck.. he ran to get a towel while everyone else just stared at me… eh ya win some,  ya lose… more lol).

Anyhow..I realized this snake squeezing my intestines had seemed to fill my stomach with a significant amount of gascious pressure.  To the extent that, really.. just a slight push would likely do the trick.  so I went for it. 

Well… turns out that ever so slight push unleashed a sonically abrassive, pungently relentless and substancially curious explosion of  everything that had ever visited my stomach.  In other words folks, I shit myself.  now many in this case are probably picturing a “shart” - ( pronouned “shh uu ART”: the term shart often describes a fart that releases a spattering of pooh into ones clothings… the term had it’s rise to fame in the early 2,000s when it began to appear on the silvercreen and has since been an internationally recognized, though somewhat over-used word-celeb.) But alas, mine wasn’t a shart.. I swear some shit from an 80’s chicken macnugget probably made it’s escape with this thing. 

There was a deafening 3-4 second silence and the stunned looks on everyone’s faces ranged from shock and horror to confusion and numbness.  My animal instinct kicked in and I immediately sprang up and began my sprint toward the door and eventual bathroom/shower.  I must have been going about 64mph (which is pretty fast for a human) and as I approached the door it appeared open so w one swift leap-step I launched toward it.  This is when everything went black.

Moments later I opened my eyes.  I was on my back, half of my body inside the house, other half outside.. covered in blood, mangled screen netting and crap.  To make a short story long .. I shit myself, ran through a screen door and broke my nose.  oh btw it’s kind of personal… don’t tell anyone?

so … how are you guys??