did I tell you guys i’m writing a book? Yep.. it’s an autobiography called “Don’t Love Me, Judge Me”. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m certainly not vein enough to presume anybody would be interested in me or my life per se .. and I get that usually you have to be qualified and/or accomplished in some way shape or form to write an autobigraphy. I am neither of those things.. however, I’ve had a rather ridiculous life and for the better part of it, i’ve laughed so hard I pissed myself.. Even well beyond the age that I should have stopped. I just can’t help it. When you see something so incomprehensibly funny that your body takes it’s hands off the wheel and goes rogue.. well your options are limited at best… pissing yourself is the least of your concerns. I’ve done this too many times so I decided to write about it.
See, I’m a mono-zygotic twin whos been lucky enough to play NCAA D-1 soccer, live in Italy, travel a shitsworth, win a game show, get signed a few times and been super lucky enough to have a career in music for the past 8 years. Additionally, I lost my mom and almost lost my bff/twin brother in a horrific incident etc..
Aside from all that stuff …I’ve also been carjacked, escaped a kidnapping attempt when I was 9, rescued my brother after being roofied by a dude who would ultimately become one of my idols as the star of one of the most popular tv shows in the world, had a bounty on my head for a stunt with fireworks and fire exstinguisher that resulted in the 4th floor of our dorm being evacuated by the fire department through their windows, slept with my cat, flew to a random city in a Africa to then take a bus 8 hours south of that city to a tiny desert town to then meet locals who didnt speak english but agreed to take us on camels another 10 hours south into the sahara where we camped for 3 days and then I started shitting myself so i walked out into the dark desert and tried to bury the shit but a pesky desert breeze blew my soiled toilet paper all the way back to camp and i woke up to one of the africans questioning me while holding a strand of my shoddy toilet paper and had to ride next to him for the next 10 hours back to the tiny desert town, pissed on my dad in the middle of the night on a recruiting trip to NC State at age 18, painted and dumped our pet pig through the window of a sororrity house when our landlord evicted him (our pig was not harmed in said mission), and so on and so forth.
now i know what you’re thinking ..
1. holy cow that was a run on sentence. and
2. he slept with his effing cat!?
(answer key: 1. T 2. F)
that is just a fraction of the stupidity and ridiculousness that is my life. I assure you my book is slightly better grammatically and gets juicy. I intend to launch a Kickstarter in the next few days so if anyone would care to help me get this thing up n running.. well id be much obliged :) xo